


Forever Doesn't Last

by k_aruu



Category: Haikyuu!!, haikyuu
Genre: Angst, College, Haikyuu - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Sad hour, apologies in advance, implied daisuga, iwaoi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25090864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/k_aruu/pseuds/k_aruu
Summary: Your memory that haunts my past and present.-The first time they kissed was at the hill not so far from their high school. He could remember it perfectly. It was a Saturday, on the day of their graduation and they decided to ditch the after party.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> putting this baby out there i guess

The first time they kissed was at the hill not so far from their high school. He could remember it perfectly. It was a Saturday, on the day of their graduation and they decided to ditch the after party. The weather was perfect, not so windy and not too hot either. They might have been out for only 30 minutes or maybe an hour. Either way, he didn’t care if their friends were looking for them because at that moment there was nowhere else he’d rather be than with Oikawa Tooru.

They’ve been friends for so long now that if he were to describe the brunette in one word he’d probably say “idiot” or “annoying”, but deep down, Oikawa was one of the people that he most treasure in his life. To think that they were going to go their separate ways after high school was something that managed to unexpectedly break his spirit a little bit.

The realization first hit him when he watched the brunette giving his graduation speech by the end of the ceremony, then it hit him again as he watched Oikawa run up that hill with that big smile on his face. Oikawa was so happy about graduating that Iwaizumi couldn’t help but envy him, because while the latter received their parting as a burden, Oikawa didn’t seem to be so bothered about it. Iwaizumi felt like he wanted to chase after him. It felt like the further he was the more that Iwaizumi wanted him to stay by his side.

Iwaizumi didn’t even notice how fast he ran up the hill until he finally caught up to the brunette, pushing him down onto the ground. He might have hugged Oikawa too tightly and the way he tackled the younger was a bit harsh, but the latter didn’t seem to mind, wrapping his arm around Iwaizumi’s body.

That was when they finally confessed their feelings to each other and on that day, their relationship blossomed into something way different.

Something new.

“Stupid Iwa-Chan.” An insult was the last thing Iwaizumi needed after talking about his fear and worries of parting, “It’s not like we’ll never see each other again. I could never leave you.”

Iwaizumi remembered clearly how he couldn’t help but hate the way that the brunette kept his eyes on the sky as the two laid on the ground. The smile on his face was also no longer genuine and Iwaizumi didn’t like that either. Clearly the fact that they’ll be going their separate ways was now starting to bother Oikawa too. If they really have to part, he didn’t want Oikawa to go off to university with a heavy heart.

Kissing Oikawa Tooru was something that has popped up from time to time in Iwaizumi’s head and now that he was finally kissing him, call him cheesy but it felt like nothing else matters. It felt right and for a second he didn’t want them to leave that moment.

The first time they kissed was at the hills not so far from their high school and that was also the last.

The slightest thought of them going their separate ways was enough to break his spirit. So who could even imagine how his everything shattered when he was told that the love of his life had taken his own life?


	2. Haunted Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are the reason life is complicated

People had it all wrong. Life is something rather easy to get through. One day you were born and later on, you’ll die. What makes it complicated are all the different feelings that you get handling every little thing that happens throughout it. From the excitement when you see something you like to the sadness or anger that takes over when you can’t have what you want.

On the day of Oikawa’s funeral, Iwaizumi got through the whole day in a state of emotionless denial. His whole body continuously felt heavy as he sat, watching friends and family go up to the open casket to say their prayers and bawl their eyes out. He didn’t have the courage to go up there and see Oikawa’s beautiful face, peacefully asleep. After the committal service was done, he stayed by Oikawa’s grave, declining to join the funeral reception by telling Hanamaki that he’d come by later. A few minutes after everyone had left, he was silent for a couple minutes, maybe longer. In the end, the tears began to slowly pour out of his eyes just as the heavy dark clouds above decided to cry along with him.

Iwaizumi was angry at Oikawa for leaving him. He was sad that he couldn’t have more time to spend with him and he regrets that he couldn’t notice that Oikawa was having troubles with his life through their late night calls. He regretted that he couldn’t hear even the slightest despair or cry for help when Oikawa called him that night just hours before the news got to him. All of this, he tells Oikawa everyday when he comes to visit.

Hours slowly turn into days, and those days turn into months. Without knowing, Iwaizumi was entering his 3 rd year of university. His visits to Oikawa’s grave slowly lessened from everyday to once a week, then to once a month. Eventually he stopped going as he began busying himself with work and activities. Somehow his new life was considered as a form of moving on by his friends and family. This made him convince himself that he might actually have moved on.

In reality, Iwaizumi was barely holding up. As hard as he tries to move on from Oikawa, he just couldn’t. Sleep was rare and when he did get some sleep he’d wake up screaming, his chest heavy and with tears streaming down his cheeks. He doesn’t remember a single thing from whatever he dreamt of, but one thing for sure, Oikawa was there and that nightmare doesn’t seem to go away any time soon.

Iwaizumi has thrown most of the medicines his psychiatrist prescribed to him. He didn’t see the point of taking them since nothing really changed. The only thing he kept was the sleeping pills. As much as he feared having the nightmare again, if he takes enough he’d usually be able to sleep through it. He just has to be careful about it. He usually takes one or two more than he’s supposed to, but not too much to kill him.

There’s really nothing stopping him from doing that though. If he were to, one day, decide to swallow all the sleeping pills in the small prescription bottle, he won’t have any trouble with overdosing and dying in his apartment. Nobody would be there to stop him. By now, he was already so numb that death didn’t bother him anymore. But as much as he doesn’t fear death, he still fears how death doesn’t guarantee him a chance of meeting Oikawa again.

Tonight was one of the nights when Iwaizumi feared sleep. Taking more sleeping pills than he’s supposed to every night caused it to at least leave him 2 to 3 days with no supply. When this happens, he’d usually keep himself up by doing some homework or playing games on his computer. Yes, he bought a whole new gaming computer just to keep himself busy.

Iwaizumi didn’t know when it happened but it seems like at one point he had moved to the bed to sleep only to be awakened by a sound eliciting from the game on his computer. It took a couple of seconds before he gathered some strength to leave his bed and turn his computer off. He didn’t think much of anything, wanting to just go back to sleep, that is until something else managed to catch his attention.

There was this faint knocking sound coming from his window as if something small kept hitting the thick glass. He stared at it for a couple of seconds. The silence that took over was a minute too long that Iwaizumi almost thought that his mind was just playing tricks on him until he heard it again.

It was something small, hitting the glass of his window before bouncing off. Another followed, and another.

Beside the window was the sliding door that leads to the balcony outside of his apartment. He had a couple of plants out on the balcony that he had decorated with some pebbles so something tells him that those sounds were from the pebbles hitting the glass window. One thing remains in question though; who was throwing the pebbles?

Walking over to the door, he slowly slid it open, letting in the cold night air. He peeked his head out and looked around, finding nothing out of the ordinary.

Stepping out, he flinched when he stepped on the pebbles on the floor of the balcony. These pebbles shouldn’t be on the floor and it proves that he wasn’t just hearing things. Gathering them up in his hands, he turned to the potted plants at the side of the door and placed it back where they should. As he finished he turned back to the door and walked back inside.

He took one last look at the plants, trying to figure out the reason for the pebbles to fall out. He ended up shrugging it off and just as the door was supposed to close, he noticed something that almost caused his heart to stop.

His eyes widened in shock as he froze in place for a couple of seconds. The figure didn’t seem to notice him until he let out a stiff exhale. As the figure turned to him, Iwaizumi was quick enough to slide the door shut and lock it.

Leaning back against the door, his breathing became frantic. His heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest as he didn’t need to look in the mirror to know that he’s as pale as if he had seen a ghost.

Because he has.

Just as if it couldn’t get any worse, he heard it perfectly clear. It was calling him from outside in a soft whisper that he misses so much.

“Iwa-chan?”

Everything turned dark.

A repeating beep began to surround him in the darkness and just as he felt like he was about to run out of breath, he jolted up on his bed, eyes wide to see his bedroom, dimly lit by the sun that shone through the thin fabric of the curtains.

It took awhile for Iwaizumi to calm himself down. His chest hurts and he took a mental note to ask his psychiatrist if he could be prescribed any medicine to help him with these chest pains.

This was new. Up until this moment, never once has he remembered going through a nightmare let alone remembering it when he wakes up. The sight of Oikawa in his nightmare made him miss the brunette more and more and it took him every little strength he had left to keep himself from shedding a tear.

Walking up to his window, he took a deep breath before opening the curtains to let the light in. There was nothing out of the ordinary.

As he finally managed to fully calm down, he checked the time on his phone and decided to start getting ready for his morning classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this fic by disconnecting myself from reality then falling asleep. It's a great writing method but I don't remember much when I finish so I have to always re-read what I wrote when I wake up.


	3. A Part of Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendly visits

As surprising as it is, the nightmares stopped. Ever since that nightmare incident with the pebbles, Iwaizumi has taken fewer sleeping pills, hoping to relive the nightmare just to see Oikawa again. It didn’t work though. As much as he appreciates getting a full 8 hours of sleep and waking up well rested, a part of him still longs to see him again; even if it’s just a glance.

The first few weeks he tried different tactics to redo the nightmare. He tried sleeping early, he tried sleeping early, he tried taking a couple of pills before sleep too but none of it worked. He gave up and just tried to forget all about it.

There was one slight problem though, and it’s the same problem that’s been ongoing from the start.

“Iwaizumi-San!” The voice calling him from his door managed to snap him back to reality.

Turning down the volume of the song blaring from his computer, he saved the document that he was working on before going to answer the door.

Upon opening his front door, he was met with two figures; a tall man with a short orange haired guy beside him. Iwaizumi has really lost track of time to the point that he didn’t even notice that it was Friday. Hell, he didn’t even remember that Daichi and Hinata were coming over to begin with.

“I brought you some food!” Hinata pointed out, holding out a lunchbox for Iwaizumi to take.

The first time Iwaizumi met the two was back in his high school days. Both Daichi and Hinata went to a different school from him, but around the second year of university Iwaizumi began having classes with Daichi and they just got along surprisingly well. As for Hinata, Iwaizumi saw him more like Daichi’s son that pops up every now and then and at this point Iwaizumi has come to terms with having him around.

Watching the two get comfortable in his apartment was weird. Usually both of them would come in pairs; a grey haired, wide eyed sweetheart beside Daichi, and a stoic faced personification of the word intimidation for Hinata to hold onto. Seeing the two like this was rare, and Iwaizumi couldn’t help but feel like he has something to do with it. Though, he didn’t mind if he did have something to do with it. It’s been a while since he last hung out with only Daichi and despite not being that close with the small orange one, he was pretty good at lighting up the mood around the apartment just by being here.

They all sat on the floor by the bed as they talked and ate the food that Hinata brought over. It was such a simple social interaction between him and his friends that he didn’t know he needed. For once in his life, Iwaizumi felt like he was actually living again.

“So, how is Sugawara?” Iwaizumi asked as the laughter eliciting the other two started to die down.

There was a moment of pause and the air between them suddenly felt a bit tight until Daichi let out an awkward chuckle, “Oh, he’s doing great.”

The silence was back and Iwaizumi couldn’t help but feel like there was something he didn’t know from the way Hinata was shooting a glare at the older male.

“Tell him,” The orange haired boy whispered, “Tell him.”

Iwaizumi turned to look at Daichi, raising an eyebrow. Daichi’s face was slowly turning red and this was a sign that whatever he wanted to tell was probably a really big deal. Iwaizumi was intrigued now.

“Ah, I’m going to open the door to the balcony,” Hinata spoke, standing up from where he sat. That was probably the best idea since Daichi was starting to look like he’d die if he didn’t get any fresh air in the next 10 seconds.

“Is there something you want to tell me?” He asked.

Daichi took a deep breath, looking over at Hinata before finally turning to Iwaizumi, “Suga and I are engaged!”

It would be a lie if Iwaizumi said the news didn’t catch him off guard but he was still just as happy as he was shocked. His wide eyes were quickly accompanied by a grin as he congratulated Daichi on the big step.

In the midst of the excitement and smiles, there was this little thought that Iwaizumi just couldn’t scratch away. It was clinging on to him like a parasite but it was small enough for him to suppress it. It didn’t matter if he tries to hide it though, because it’s still there. Because however hard he’d try to focus on being happy for his friend, he couldn’t help but think if he could have ever be just as happy as Daichi was right now if Oikawa didn’t fucking kill himself.

“Iwaizumi-san,” Hinata’s voice managed to snap him back to reality for the second time today, “You shouldn’t really leave these pebbles on the floor of your balcony. You might slip on them if you’re not careful.”

Iwaizumi’s eyes went from Hinata’s face down to the pebbles by his feet. He hasn’t been out at the balcony for weeks now so he has no idea why those pebbles would have been scattered all over the floor when they were supposed to be neatly placed in the pots of his plants. He was confused until the realization hit him.

Standing up from his spot on the floor, Iwaizumi walked over to where Hinata stood before crouching down by the younger’s feet.

There was no way that nightmare was real because if it was, he clearly remembered putting the pebbles back into the pots. He reasoned that maybe some birds came by and picked the pebbles from the pots thinking that they were seeds. But again, no matter how hard he wants to believe that reason, he just couldn’t help but not to. Because if that nightmare was real, that means he actually saw Oikawa that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Inspiration : To Be Alone With You  
> I don't know why I decided to put Hinata an Daichi...I could have put Maki and Mattsun but I wanted Iwa to be visited by friends who people won't expect to visit him.


	4. The Red Beside Your Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: One Day - Tate McRae

Today, Iwaizumi was dressed in a new white button up under a black suit and he didn’t understand why he put so much effort in dressing up. He had his hair all neat and his shoes polished and he couldn’t see why he would put so much effort in looking good. He borrowed his friend’s car and he has no idea why he’d go through so much trouble to avoid being squished in a crowded train.

Today, Iwaizumi had put so much effort to look his best and as he stood in front of Oikawa’s grave, he finally understood why.

It’s been a while since Iwaizumi last visited Oikawa but it looked like someone’s been keeping him company while he was away. He figured that Oikawa’s family probably visits at least once a month or maybe their friends or the other people who came to his funeral. Either way they were doing a way better job at not letting Oikawa be lonely than Iwaizumi was. There were a couple bouquets of flowers by his headstone and Iwaizumi honestly felt bad for not bringing anything with him. Oikawa would probably love it if he brought him flowers.

For a second, Iwaizumi managed to forget his reason for coming there. He also couldn’t remember the reason he stopped in the first place. He wanted to tell Oikawa the big news about Daichi and Suga’s engagement. He wanted to ask if they would have ever gotten married if Oikawa didn’t pass away so early. He wanted to talk to Oikawa about his day and ask the younger if there’s any way he could see him again. He wanted to tell Oikawa how much he misses him and to apologize for never visiting.

In the end, none of the words came out and he just stood there, heart heavy and still as shattered since the moment Oikawa left him.

A whole 2 years and not a single bit of his heart repaired.

Iwaizumi has visited Oikawa’s grave so many times before and yet here he was now; standing speechless and in denial like how he was when he watched the casket being lowered into the grave. He stood there, alone, just like when everyone had left for the reception.

Iwaizumi sat down on the stone steps leading up to Oikawa’s grave, facing the stone structure across from them. His eyes scanned the headstone of the grave in front of him. The man that had passed away at the age of 89 had his wife’s name written beside him in red ink and Iwaizumi closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, saying a prayer for the man and his family. It must be nice that he got to be with the woman he loves until such an old age. They were 18 when Iwaizumi last saw Oikawa face to face and 19 when he last heard his voice.

Opening his eyes, Iwaizumi’s eyes focused on the wife’s name and the red ink that paints over it.

In Japan, if the spouse of the deceased is still alive, their name will be written beside the deceased’s name in red ink.

To think that there might just be an alternate universe out there where his name being written beside Oikawa’s name on his headstone was enough to blur his vision. Then the thought that at this point his name would be written in red finally made the tears start streaming down and once again he was crying by Oikawa’s grave.

The two of them have been friends since they were kids and Iwaizumi couldn’t remember a single happy memory without having Oikawa beside him. Out of all those years that they’ve been together he has never once cried like this in front of the brunette. As much as he hated crying in public, he hated crying in front of Oikawa more. If Oikawa was by his side right now, there was no doubt that he would start teasing him for crying and oddly enough at this point Iwaizumi would do anything to hear the playful insults that brown haired idiot gotta throw at him. He’d do anything to hear his voice again.

He hugged his legs closer to his body as he sobbed onto the sleeves of his suit. Oikawa would probably tell him that he was damaging a perfectly good suit but he didn’t care.

Iwaizumi hated how all this time he’s been living his life like he’s fine when he’s undeniably broken inside. He hated the fact that he had so many thoughts buzzing around in his head and that majority of those thoughts would always take him back to Oikawa. He hated that he'd somehow become so dependent on having Oikawa by his side to the point that it was impossible for him to move on from his death.

Out of everything that he didn’t understand, everything he couldn’t say, and everything he hated, no matter how many times he said it to himself, somehow he just couldn’t hate Oikawa for leaving him and he knew exactly why.

This might have been the most he’s ever cried in the last couple of years. It sucks more to know that the last time he cried this hard he was standing right at the spot where he was right now.

Iwaizumi could feel someone standing in front of him. He wanted to stop crying so he could just tell the person that he was okay and leave but he couldn’t. He did, however, managed to choke out a small “I’m fine, don’t worry about me,” to the stranger, hoping that they’ll go away.

They didn’t leave, clearly, as the next thing he knew; he felt a soft hand on his. The touch felt oddly too familiar on his skin that he couldn’t help but to look up despite how blurry the person was through his tear stained eyes.

The figure crouched down in front of him, placing a hand on his cheek as a thumb whipped away his tears.

As much as Iwaizumi had hoped for a miracle to happen, he never really believed in miracles. Maybe that’s why it never happens to him. He has always said that everything happens for a reason whether he understood it or not, but a miracle wasn’t a good enough reason for anything.

Iwaizumi never believed in miracles but that doesn’t really mean that nothing could change his mind. He’d gladly believe in miracles if it happens right in front of his eyes.

So why?

Why, out of all these years?

How come it took 2 whole years of emptiness and sorrow for life to finally show him?

The figure that has been staring at him left him speechless. He has always hoped to see Oikawa again. See his soft wide eyes and the smile that he’d always have on his face. Iwaizumi has always hoped to see the love of his life again that he never thought of what he’d do if he got the chance.

“Why are you still crying over my grave after all this time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did my research


	5. Left You Lost and Found Myself Crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: By Your Side - The 1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit different ;) enjoy!

[March 23rd, the day of the graduation]

At the age of 18 years old, Iwaizumi Hajime has decided that his best friend was the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. On the day of their high school graduation, he’s gathered up the courage to confess his feelings before they part ways and continue their studies at different universities. He had expected rejection as well as acceptance but what he got didn’t sit well with his feelings.

The way Oikawa stayed quiet for a couple seconds too long scared him but he would have accepted a full blown rejection instead of what came out of those pretty lips of his.

That day, Oikawa Tooru; the guy who has always so easily said how much he liked Iwaizumi every day, was left speechless with a wave of complicated emotions. He understood nothing about what he felt except the fact that it was weighing him down just a bit.

“I really like you, Oikawa, and I couldn’t help but hate that we’re not going to see each other again.”

Upon hearing those words from Iwaizumi, Oikawa was left speechless, and as Iwaizumi asked if he returned his feelings, Oikawa couldn’t help but feel like a deer in the headlights.

“Would you mind waiting a bit longer for my answer?”

That was the only response that Oikawa managed to choke out.

Oikawa knew that he shouldn’t have answered what he answered and if he could take it back to just fix it, he would. When he said it, he didn’t know that the answer he gave would put so much weight of regret on his mind. It was such a shame that even until his last dying breath; he couldn’t tell Iwaizumi the truth. But, life was unfair like that.

After that day, there were many times when Oikawa wanted to give Iwaizumi the answer that he deserved but for some reason he just couldn’t. Life gave him thousands of chances and he took none of it.

At the age of 18, Oikawa Tooru saw Iwaizumi for the last time and left him hanging without knowing that they were never going to see each other again.

-

When they were to get ready for university, their days went by just like any other but Oikawa could clearly see how that confession affected their friendship. To be more precise, he could see how his answer to Iwaizumi’s question affected the way he acted towards Iwaizumi. Oikawa hates to admit it but there was no doubt that the way he tries to avoid answering Iwaizumi’s question was the reason for the rift between their relationships.

Every day with Iwaizumi passed by so normally but Oikawa knew better. He knew that he was unconsciously drifting away from Oikawa without actually leaving his side. They hung out just as much but they talked less. Oikawa didn’t even tease or make fun of Iwaizumi as much as he used to but it just looked like the latter didn’t think much of it.

Sometimes, Oikawa likes to think that maybe Iwaizumi could see it too. Iwaizumi probably won’t know that Oikawa wasn’t doing it on purpose but obviously Iwaizumi could see that he was slowly drifting away. Oikawa didn’t like the thought of Iwaizumi knowing how their friendship was slowly shifting. He didn’t like thinking that Iwaizumi might blame the change on himself for confessing. Most importantly, he didn’t like thinking that Iwaizumi sees how Oikawa was drifting away from him but decided to do nothing about it.

Oikawa could never see himself living without Iwaizumi by his side and all he wanted was for the latter to pull him back before he drifted too far to be reached.

[April 5th, the first day apart]

When Oikawa first got to his new room, the first person to call him was Iwaizumi and words could not describe how excited he was to hear from him. He wanted to tell Iwaizumi about his new room and how he already made a bunch of friends in his dorm. He wanted to wish him luck for the first year of university and wanted to hear Iwaizumi’s voice say it back to him. He wanted to talk to him so much despite only being apart for around 24 hours.

To look back at that moment, Oikawa was so excited to hear from Iwaizumi that he has no idea why he decided to not answer the call.

He just sat there staring at the caller ID that read out ‘Iwa-Chan’ and then turned off his phone as if he didn’t just purposely ignore his call.

The same thing happened a couple more times after that and Oikawa still has no idea why he does it. Then for the most part of his school year he had the audacity to wonder and gloom over why Iwaizumi never calls him first.

-

Throughout summer vacation, Oikawa managed to avoid going back home by keeping himself busy with organizing a campus event. He also took a couple summer classes despite not needing the extra credit.

Texting has become their main method of communication. Once in a while, Oikawa would maybe call Iwaizumi and every time he’d always get hit with that realization that he actually missed hearing Iwaizumi’s voice. He misses hearing Iwaizumi so much but every time he hears him it always feels so dreadful and he’d always just get so sad without understanding why.

This dread continues to wash over him more and more as time passes by. It even continued till winter. Oikawa hated it and what he couldn’t see was that this dread took a toll on him. He started paying less attention in class and his grades were dropping. He’d find himself overworking himself more than he needed to just to get a 70 on average.

[January 1st, a happy new year’s call]

As they entered a new year, Oikawa gave Iwaizumi a call to wish him a happy new year. They talked for a while, and for a moment he didn’t feel the same dread that he used to feel when hearing Iwaizumi’s voice. He was happy and he felt calm as they caught up.

“Oikawa,” He replied with a simple hum, “are you planning to come back here for a visit sooner or later?”

This caught him off guard but he managed to choke out an answer, “yeah, of course.” He said, not forgetting to add a simple, “Don’t be stupid, Iwa-chan.”

“Good.”

“Do you miss me that much, Iwa-chan?” From this moment, Oikawa was trying his best to sound as normal as he should. The only thing he could think of to sound like himself was to start teasing him, but the silence that he received made him have second thoughts, “Are you okay, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi’s silence oddly worried him.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

He wasn’t.

Neither was Oikawa.

“I’ll visit soon,” Oikawa began, “and when I do, I’ll give you the answer to that question you asked me back on the hill by the school.”

Oikawa wanted to comfort Iwaizumi so badly that the only thing he could do was give a promise he was unsure of keeping. A couple days back he turned his car around half way back home for the fear of meeting Iwaizumi again; he doubts that he won’t do the same thing when the next chance comes around.

[March 24th, the last call]

Oikawa found himself calling Iwaizumi the night before he was going back home. He had told Iwaizumi that he was coming home the next day and for some reason he just wanted to talk to him. He couldn’t sleep and he reasoned to Iwaizumi that he might just be too excited to come back home for the weekend. He was glad that Iwaizumi was awake when he called and that he was willing to stay up just to talk about things.

Going back home was supposed to bring him comfort, but for some reason as much as he misses being with his family and seeing Iwaizumi, he felt pressured.

He didn’t really blame it on anyone but himself, because up until this point, the only person that has been pressuring him was himself. Nobody was forcing him to come back home or to have all these complicated feelings.

At one point, Oikawa stopped listening to Iwaizumi talk. It took a while but the latter managed to notice the silence. Iwaizumi called out for him, as if checking if he was asleep or not and Oikawa couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought.

“What are you thinking in that head of yours?” Iwaizumi asked.

Oikawa let out a hum, his lips curving into a small smile, “I just really appreciate how you always answer my calls.”

This might have been the first time Oikawa managed to actually say what he wanted to say.

He’s done it so many times but he wasn’t cruel enough to not acknowledge the fact that Iwaizumi would always answer his calls despite the fact that Oikawa would always ignore his calls back when he used to call him.

“Of course,” Iwaizumi spoke, “I’ll always be here for you.”

That was it. Without knowing, his vision got blurry and he felt tears streaming down his cheeks. He couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at the thought of Iwaizumi being there with him at the moment and forcing him to stop crying with threats and continuous naggings.

“Thank you, Hajime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when I started writing this fic months ago, I didn't know where it was going.  
> I still don't but when I re-read the chapters before uploading, I'm pretty excited to see how it ends....and yes, I'm the writer and I don't know what's going to happen next, it's an adventure for everyone :D


	6. How The Broken Tries to Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Boy with the Windfields and the Wild Heart - flowerkid

Oikawa Tooru was undeniably beautiful. There were thousands of words that could describe the brunet but he was mainly beautiful both inside and out. The way his lips would curve into an honest, warm smile and how his doe-eyes sparkle when he talks about something he’s passionate about was mesmerizing and there were just many other reasons why Iwaizumi could never take his eyes off of him when they were together. Iwaizumi could listen to Oikawa talk for hours despite his complaints and he’d find himself still adoring those honest features even when the brunet has stopped talking.

Even now, Oikawa looked just as beautiful as Iwaizumi remembered him.

Ever since that day at the cemetery, Iwaizumi has found himself a bit lost when it comes to his place in this life. Reality no longer made any sense to him. Actually, nothing really made any sense to him anymore but for once in his life he didn’t even care. It bothered him at first but he dismissed it so easily that even he could say it was a bit out of character for him to do so.

It felt like he was going crazy but he really didn’t mind going crazy as long as it meant that he could see Oikawa again.

It’s been a couple of weeks now since he first saw Oikawa again and once in a while he’d pop up and Iwaizumi would think of it as the brunet checking up on him. He’d usually appear when Iwaizumi felt unreasonably sad or lonely.

Iwaizumi was scared to touch Oikawa because for some reason he began to see the latter as a whole different person; someone who was fragile and could disappear at any moment from one wrong move. He also didn’t talk to the brunet for a while at first, but they’ve had their fair share of little interactions that continuously linger in his mind. He loved the way the brunet would smile softly when he caught Iwaizumi staring, or how he’d usually sit out at the balcony, looking up at the stars above in awe.

As time passed, these interactions grew more than just longing admirations from afar. Sometimes, Iwaizumi would talk to him about his thoughts and troubles. He usually doesn’t receive any reply in return but having Oikawa there to listen was comforting enough. Occasionally he’d find Oikawa chuckling lightly at the simplest troubling thought before commenting that he was worrying too much about nothing. His answers were always short, simple and never more than a couple of sentences. It wasn’t like him at all, but Iwaizumi misses hearing Oikawa’s voice so much that he didn’t even care.

Oikawa was way quieter, he was calmer, and he was less irritating than the 18 years that Iwaizumi has spent with him. He was so different from how he used to be and it was so clear to see but Iwaizumi didn’t even notice it.

Iwaizumi was seeing Oikawa Tooru in a whole different light, yet somehow he still manages to dismiss the fact that Oikawa wasn’t really there with him.

There were times when everything got rougher than it usually would and Iwaizumi would find himself breaking down even more. Those were the times when he’d find Oikawa’s presence by him most comforting, and sometimes he would even fall asleep in Oikawa’s embrace. It would always feel so real that by the time he woke up in the morning, his heart couldn’t help but drop when seeing that Oikawa was no longer there.

Those moments were when he would realize that other than not making any sense; reality was also cruel.

-

Iwaizumi never told anyone about Oikawa. It’s not that he couldn’t tell anyone. He could, but he just didn’t want to tell anyone. He didn’t want to talk about Oikawa being in his life again to anyone because he didn’t see any reason why he should.

It’s not that he feared being seen as crazy by the people close to him. It’s not that. For all he knows they wouldn’t really call him crazy, they’d probably just shrug it off or try to play along for a while. Iwaizumi didn’t want to tell anyone that he’s been seeing Oikawa in his life again because he knew that people would feel sorry for him. They’d pity the fact that after 2 whole years he still hasn’t managed to move on. Some people, like his close friends, know this. They know that he still hasn’t moved on and he knows they know. He couldn’t help but hate how they always seem to feel so sorry for him when Oikawa would be mentioned in a conversation to the point that they all try so hard to never talk about Oikawa around him ever again.

Imagine how much worse it would be if they knew about the current situation.

How bad would everything be if people knew that Iwaizumi Hajime was so bad at moving on with his life that he’s starting to see the guy that has been dead for the last 2 years?

How pathetic would Iwaizumi actually look in the eyes of his friends and family if they knew?

Throughout all of this, almost everyone in Iwaizumi’s life began noticing the shift that has been going on in his life. He hung out less with his friends and used studying for their upcoming finals as a reason. When he does make time for them, he is visibly not as happy as he used to be and more disconnected than usual. Another way to put it; his friends seem to notice that he was no longer putting any effort into faking a happy act for them. They were clearly glad that Iwaizumi no longer feels the need to put up a façade in front of them, but they were still just as worried for him knowing that all of them still knew nothing about what was going on in that head of his.

Iwaizumi has once thought about coming clean to his psychiatrist though. She was a lovely lady who would always listen and try to understand him. He thought that maybe she could help him understand a little bit about what was going on in his life and why his reality has become so disoriented.

It took him days to conjure up the words to use to explain everything as best as he could and it took so much energy to conjure up enough courage to talk about it. But after the nights he spent with Oikawa’s company, especially when he was feeling so mentally drained and empty, he had some second thoughts about telling her.

His roles were reversed when it was time for him to see his psychiatrist. In her eyes, Iwaizumi were more stable and less mournful than the last 2 years that they have met. The sudden change in attitude has caught her attention and she’s now keeping a closer eye on his behavior around her. But, the act that he puts up also lessens the pills that he was prescribed to.

It lessens the anti-depressants.

-

Having Oikawa by his side again was more than he could ask for. Even if it was still just once in a while, it was still better than not being with Oikawa at all. At least that’s what he thought.

Gradually, he starts to see that he was living in some kind of illusion.

It almost felt like his mind built up this awfully manipulated version of reality and he was now living the consequences.

He did everything he could to keep Oikawa around because he felt like seeing the brunette in his life again might just fix all of his problems. He thought maybe it would help him pick up all those broken pieces and make everything better again. But the thing is, it didn’t make it better at all. In the end, he just felt as empty as he has been all this time.

If it was possible, he’d say that he felt emptier.

Sometimes when he can’t sleep, he’d wonder to himself why he felt like this. He’d wonder why all of this was happening to him and won’t it stop. When he starts thinking about these troubling thoughts, that’s when Oikawa usually comes by and every time he finds himself staring at Oikawa, all those thoughts would just disappear. Then he’d wonder why it was so hard for him to move on from Oikawa Tooru.

He never got the answer to that last question because every time he looked into those brown eyes and heard that soft voice of his, he could only tell himself that he just couldn’t move on.

Iwaizumi knew that he needed help to find the answers to his thoughts but at this point he was already too afraid to ask for anyone’s help.

He didn’t fall into a rabbit hole and he’s not stuck in any kind of wonderland.

He dug his own grave and now he’s laying there waiting for the storm to finally bury him alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up until now, the chapters are pre-written.   
> Now I'm trying to figure out how to write the last 2 chapters before the last chapter of Haikyuu comes out while still having to ace a mandatory job interview from my campus and my actual current job huhuhu  
> I want this fic's final chapter to at least be uploaded on Oikawa's birthday!!


	7. Left Unanswered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s going to be alright...

It’s been a while since Iwaizumi last spent his night up on the rooftop of his apartment. There was a period of time when he’d come up there in the middle of the night to gather his thoughts and would come in after an hour or two. Maybe around last term’s exam week, Iwaizumi had stopped coming up there. For some reason he didn’t expect the rooftop door to still be left unmonitored and accessible but he was glad that he didn’t just walk up the emergency stairs for nothing.

Tonight was colder than usual. Iwaizumi had worn a jacket over his shirt but it wasn’t enough. It was okay though, because usually the colder the air; the easier for him to clear his head.

Iwaizumi felt like his mind had been fighting with himself for a while now. He hasn’t gotten a full night of sleep, he hasn’t eaten a proper meal, and the last time he talked to his friends was around a week ago.

He’s not sure what his problem was.

Actually, he knew real well what his problem was.

His problem was Oikawa Tooru.

Not the Oikawa Tooru that he’s loved up till now, but the Oikawa Tooru that has suddenly appeared in his life. The one that popped up when he was at his rock bottom and was comforting his nights. The one that’s been keeping him company and making him feel less lonely.

His problem was the Oikawa Tooru who had been sitting on the edge of the rooftop beside him.

It was funny.

The first time Iwaizumi came up here was because of Oikawa and now he’s back here with that said person sitting right beside him.

Just like back then, he wasn’t thinking of doing anything dangerous or stupid. Both back then and now, he came up to the roof to simply think so that was what he did and what he’ll do now.

Iwaizumi was still getting used to speaking with this Oikawa beside him. Despite looking like the man he loves so much, this Oikawa was different. This Oikawa was quieter, more mature in the way he acts, and he’s never been the first to initiate a conversation.

That’s why Iwaizumi was surprised when this Oikawa broke the silence between them.

“You’re thinking about it.”

The words came out as a statement but Iwaizumi didn’t think that it was weird at all. That was also another thing about this Oikawa. For him now, it seemed so easy to read Iwaizumi like an open book.

“I always think about it.”

Iwaizumi answered without looking at the person beside him. He couldn’t.

For some reason he’s just so afraid of seeing Oikawa now.

“I think you should stop thinking about it.”

Of course, that has always been a choice. Iwaizumi has thought about it many times before but how could he just stop thinking about it when the thought has been following him around like a lost puppy for years now. He doesn’t want it but it’s just always there.

All this time Iwaizumi thought that if he’d ever got an answer from Oikawa, maybe it’ll all be okay.

Maybe, if he got an answer, he’d be able to move on whether Oikawa were to return his feelings or breaks his heart.

The chuckle that left Oikawa's lips managed to finally turn Iwaizumi’s gaze to the former.

Iwaizumi studied the features of the male beside him. His neat brown hair that always looks so naturally tidy despite the long hours that it takes for him to make it perfect. His doe brown eyes that had always looked at Iwaizumi with ease. The way the moonlight illuminated his soft skin made it hard to look away. Oikawa looked just like how he last remembered. He looked just like that 18 year old teenager that he confessed to at their high school graduation.

He wondered if Oikawa would have looked at least slightly different now, being a 21 year old college student. Maybe he wouldn’t have change so much but even if he did there was no doubt that Iwaizumi would still think that he was the most beautiful person he has ever laid his eyes on.

“Is the answer to your question so important to help you move on?”

Iwaizumi raised his eyebrows at the question. He thought about it and the only answer he could think of was, “Of course it is.” But in reality he doesn’t even know why.

“It would have been great if your feelings were returned, but what if you were rejected?” The question continued, “Would you really have been much better being rejected?”

“Yes.”

Silence came back to greet them but this Oikawa seemed set on making Iwaizumi understand something.

“Why don’t you just settle with whatever answer you wanted as the real answer?” Oikawa’s voice was soft yet what he said afterwards stabbed Iwaizumi like a knife, “It’s not like you’ll ever know what the real answer is.”

“You can always tell me the answer.” Iwaizumi argued, standing up from where he sat at the edge and walking back to the rooftop entrance.

In a way he might just know where this conversation was going and this was his body’s way of avoiding it.

“Why is it so important for me to give you an answer?”

Without a second thought, Iwaizumi turned around, “BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO SAY IT, OIKAWA!” He shouted, trying to shut the brunette up, “I want to hear it from YOU. I want to know how YOU feel about me and I want YOU to say it!”

Iwaizumi snapped.

Taking deep breaths, Iwaizumi felt like his chest was about to burst and the way his tears began rolling down his cold cheeks began to sting. He hated crying in front of Oikawa but this wasn’t his Oikawa. This Oikawa has never been his Oikawa. Where Oikawa would always make him feel needed and happy, this Oikawa only made him feel emptier than he was when Oikawa left his life.

This was just not his Oikawa.

“And that’s why I can never be the one to give you an answer.”

He was right.

“Whatever answer I give you, would be the answer you wanted to hear.” Oikawa spoke up with a soft smile, “And maybe you don’t want to decide the answer yourself, but you know that all you wanted is for me to say that I love you.”

Iwaizumi had no idea how to support himself anymore as his legs gave up on him. His chest felt tight and the tears weren’t stopping. He couldn’t even see Oikawa properly anymore. Everything was just a blur and all he could do was hug himself as his body curled up on the cold floor. He couldn’t move, his body was trembling from the cold and something else.

He was scared.

No.

He was terrified.

Iwaizumi didn’t know what would happen to him if he were to lose Oikawa for the second time in his life.

He couldn’t help but cry harder when he felt a hand on his shoulder; a hand that had always fit so perfectly in his. A simple touch of affection from Oikawa had always comforted him so easily and Iwaizumi hated it as much as he needed it right now. In a second, it was no longer there.

“Take your time.” The words came out of trembling lips, “Take your time, you can move on.” He continued.

Iwaizumi had never felt worse than he was at the moment. He was in pain and he didn’t know how to stop it. The only person who would always know how to make him feel better wasn’t with him anymore and he knew that there was no way that person could ever come back to him.

“It’ll be okay…it’ll be okay…”

Iwaizumi ended up finding himself saying those words in repeat.

He has no idea if he was going to be okay, but at the moment all he could do was hope that maybe it will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this at the cafe I work at while on shift and cried :)  
> I also made my coworker cry.  
> Also this is the first time I'm posting without the chapter going through proofread first because I want to post this as soon as possible and also because I saw the raw scans spoilers for chapter 402 and got emotional.


	8. You'll Be Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to Oikawa Tooru!

There has always been something sad about endings.

There’s something sad about saying goodbye.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, once something you loved so much ends or when someone you’ve been with for so long says goodbye, the feeling of sorrow would always just wash over you like it’s been building up a big wave from afar all this time. Once it gets to you, you’ll get drenched in the emotion as you feel like you are going to lose everything you’ve loved right at that moment. Maybe, at that moment exactly, you were losing everything.

That was how Iwaizumi felt.

The moment his mom stepped into his room bearing the news, he felt like his whole world was falling apart.

Iwaizumi could remember running out of his home to the house where his best friend used to live with his family. He remembered freezing up the moment he saw Tooru’s parents from through the living room window. How his mother cried and his father tried so hard to keep hide his tears as he comforted her in his arms. It was a sight that he could remember clearly even to the point where he broke down crying in the middle of his walk back home.

The moment he knew that the person he loved the most had left him behind with no explanations made him feel lost and alone. He locked himself in his room and began pushing everyone away. He stopped eating properly for weeks and he became quiet.

Thinking back about it, Iwaizumi felt like he was a fool to think that he was the only one to have been left behind when in reality, Tooru left a lot more people behind.

It wasn’t that his reactions and his feelings were invalid. He felt like he had the right to react that way no matter what because in the end it was his own pain that he felt and nobody else’s. Everybody who knew Tooru must have been just as devastated and shocked when the news got to them, but everyone has their own levels of sadness and their own way of coping. It’s like in one way, of course Tooru’s parents would have had a harder time than Iwaizumi when they heard the news, but Iwaizumi took longer to accept it and was more troubled with letting go.

Even after years, Iwaizumi couldn’t let go, but that was the thing that he regretted the least.

Those years where he’d spent his nights alone, where he’d wake up to tears streaming down his face, and where he’d shut everyone out of his life might just be something he needed. All that, along with a proper, honest talk with his friends and families was his way of taking baby steps back to normal.

Of course, maybe it’d be hard to go back to normal since a big part of his life was now gone, but at least slowly and surely, he got better.

Iwaizumi knew that he could get better as long as he wanted to get better and that was exactly what he wanted now.

Iwaizumi Hajime wants to get better.

The thing about goodbyes was that it’s a chance to start something new. Of course saying goodbye to good things in life is always sad, but just because something is gone doesn’t mean that everything about it no longer exists.

Like when a series ends, you could always re-watch it again to remember the memories that you’ve had growing up with it.

When someone you love finally says goodbye, you could always look through the photos and recall the memories you’ve made with them.

Over and over again, you could always go back to them in one way or another and they’ll never fully leave you as they would always be in your thoughts when you need them the most whether you’ve moved on from them or not. They’ll always be there whenever you need them to be.

As much as people want to forget about their past in order to get better, sometimes acceptance is a better way of letting go. The past will always be a part of what you are now and so there is really no way you could forget about it 100%.

Because moving on and letting go doesn’t mean erasing their existence from your life.

-

Today, the campus ground was busier than usual. There were a lot more people, a lot more chatter, and a lot more life. People were celebrating as some took pictures with their families and others were congratulating each other with hugs, smiles, and tears. People can go through this same event over and over again and yet they’d still react with the same mixture of happiness and sadness as always. It was like being so overwhelmed with the happiness of starting a new life chapter to the point that the sadness of parting with good friends would hit them like a bus at the same time.

Whether it’s a perfect 3 to 4 years or maybe more, the hard work that people put into those years would always feel worth it the moment they graduate.

Today, Iwaizumi Hajime finally graduated from his university, but instead of being a part of the crowds celebrating back at campus he decided to spend his time elsewhere.

He had asked his parents to go back home first, and assured his friends that they should go drinking without him. This time there were no secrets and he told everyone that he’d contact them so they won’t need to worry about him.

Maybe he didn’t notice it before, but now he’s glad that there were still many of his friends who still stand by his side. The same friends who had to go through losing the person Iwaizumi lost and the same friends who kept on being his friends despite him shutting them out many times.

He bet that if Tooru was still alive, he’d also still go through whatever antics Iwaizumi goes through just as the latter had done with the former. They were childhood friends after all, and they were friends ever since. Sure, a part of Iwaizumi had hoped for more, but Iwaizumi has managed to find some sort of comfort in knowing that Tooru knows how he truly feels.

Today, Iwaizumi was dressed nicely once more, in a white button up under a black suit and pants to match. In his hands he holds a bouquet of flowers, but not one that he had gotten from his parents or friends. This one, he bought himself.

His lips curled into a smile as he laughed to himself, retelling the stories of what he had gone through to a certain old friend of his. Saying everything out loud, it sounds rather ridiculous that he had gone through those things but he didn’t mind seeing where it’s gotten him now.

He had begun with how Matsukawa and Hanamaki came to the graduation ceremony to surprise him, and how they also gave him a card filled with congratulatory greetings from their old volleyball club members. He also didn’t forget to mention how Daichi and Sugawara were going to get married in late May. Then he went further back, telling the events that had happened a year ago and oddly laughing more about it when he explained that it felt like a fever dream.

Although all Iwaizumi wants is to get better, he knows well enough that letting go wasn’t something he was ready to do at all.

That was okay.

At the moment, that wasn’t his reason for coming by.

“I still blame myself for not noticing the red flags,” Iwaizumi began, “and I feel like there was more that I could have done to prevent all of this from happening.”

Kneeling down on the stone steps that led to Tooru’s grave, he placed the bouquet by the headstone.

This year Tooru Oikawa would have been 22 years old and right now he would probably be at his own graduation ceremony. There was a lot of things that Iwaizumi could imagine happening if Tooru was still by his side. Whether Tooru would have return his feelings or reject the confession, Iwaizumi couldn’t think of them not being together. It didn’t matter if it was as friends or as lovers; they would probably get a drink to celebrate with their friends, then their families would have dinner together too. In May, they would probably be going to Daichi and Sugawara’s wedding together and Tooru would probably be giving a toast that he’d probably worked hours on just to stray and start teasing the couple.

There were so many things that Iwaizumi could think of.

“I really miss you, and you’re still the first person I’ve ever fallen in love with no matter what. I’ll see you again someday, I promise you that and when the time comes I’ll still love you as much. But, right now…”

Usually at this point, Iwaizumi would find himself crying but he didn’t. He had a soft smile on his face and sincerity coaxing the words that left his lips.

“I’m ready to move on from you now.”

Tooru would have been proud of him. Iwaizumi knows that for sure because at the moment, he was proud of himself too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other than Happy Birthday to the man I relate to the most, I post this today (July 20th, 2020) on the day Haikyuu's final chapter is released.  
> I woke up at 4 a.m. to read the chapter and cried but I was also really happy because it was very nice and oddly nostalgic.   
> I actually wrote this chapter a couple days ago, thinking how sad it would be when today come, but now it's here and I've realized, just like what I wrote, just because something has ended doesn't mean it's gone! The manga might have ended, but the anime will continue soon! Also I could always go back and read the manga from the very beginning anytime I want. I don't have much Haikyuu mutuals irl or online despite having followed the series since 2014 so I just felt like writing this long note here to say thanks to people who read or give kudos or comment because it makes me feel happy to see other Haikyuu fans interacting with me ahahaha
> 
> ON AN ACTUAL STORY NOTE!  
> My friend (we'll call her Amtz)) threatened me that if I put the cliche of Iwa commiting not alive in the end she'll kill me (because I usually just kill characters a lot) so this was something new!


End file.
